


Bad kind of butterflies

by Camolesi



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Light Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-07
Updated: 2019-12-07
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:34:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21702295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Camolesi/pseuds/Camolesi
Summary: Melinda has to say it.A fic inspired by a song: Bad kind of butterflies.
Relationships: Andrew Garner/Melinda May, Phil Coulson & Melinda May, Phil Coulson/Melinda May
Comments: 3
Kudos: 24





	Bad kind of butterflies

**Author's Note:**

> Just a little thing, nothing too special, but it wouldn't leave me alone. 
> 
> No Bahrein.
> 
> Sorry if there's some bizarre mistake, english is not my first language.

Melinda finally stopped the car and parked slowly, being very careful to make sure it was perfect at the spot. She checked several times if she forgot anything inside the vehicle, and it wasn't long before she let out a sigh of defeat, her shoulders tensing nervously to make the decision to stop looking for anything that kept her out for a few more minutes. She had to come in sometime. With the keys in hand, Melinda climbed the two steps and stopped herself in front of the white door of her residence breathing deeply as she unlocked it.

The house was quiet, but she knew he was there, being the great S.H.I.E.L.D agent she was, she could almost hear his movements in the kitchen, probably preparing dinner. She felt her hands sweat with every step toward him, her body under stress from the decision she made yesterday afternoon, he needed to know and she could no longer live in a lie.

“Drew?” - Melinda calls, after watching him for a few seconds from the door, Garner was in front of the stove, stirring a sauce in one of his pans. The psychoanalyst jumps slightly and turns to meet her eyes.

"Mel! You arrived late! But no problem, I started dinner.” - His smile was kind and sincere, totally oblivious to his wife's feelings. For a few seconds she wondered if she should leave what she had to talk to him for another day, or maybe after dinner, one last dinner with him, but then that voice in her head screamed that she didn't have to choose, that same voice that told her that she would lose nothing if she kept everything as a secret, and she knew she couldn't keep the words stuck for another second.

“Can you turn off the fire a little and sit next to me? I need to talk to you.” - She asked simply and only headed for the couch in the living room when he turned off the stove. Awkwardly, they sat in silence for what seemed like long minutes, Andrew rubbing his hands together in a sign of nervousness as she tried to think of the exact words she needed to say.

"After what I’m gonna say, I understand if you hate me..." - She began.

“Baby, just say it.” - He said, his face worried as his eyes showed deep sadness, a look that hurt every cell in Melinda's body and brought tears to her eyes that she promised herself not to shed.

“I love you Andrew, I love you so much. So much so that I can't just carry on as if what I'm feeling isn't happening. I need you to know this, that I love you, but… ”- Melinda swallowed and took a deep breath -“I have the wrong kinds of butterflies in my stomach, butterflies that make my heart race and it's not fair to you ”- The tears now closed her throat and made it difficult for the words to come out, words she knew would hurt him - “I know I told you that Phil and I were friends, and when I said that, I meant it, I swear. But somewhere between now and then, it became more than just a friendship for me. So what do I do if I love you, and want someone else?” - The words were expelled from her throat and she felt her heart squeezein her chest as she saw them between the two of them, it was like if a crater opened and this distance tore at her chest.

Finally she could breathe without the butterflies of fear of him finding out, her disturbing her. She could no longer go on with him, without being completely honest with her findings about her best friend. It took years, but she finally saw what everyone saw, how much chemistry they had, and beyond that, saw how much affection, fondness, understanding and love had between them. And since then she has lived in fear that her husband would realize that and would suddenly confront her about her feelings and find out that she was completely in love with the man who, besides being her best friend, was her work partner. Every day she made up lies to herself to keep hiding, but eventually she turned away from Phil in a sudden way that hurt him a lot, and Melinda still vividly remembered his painful expression when he asked her what he did and if there was nothing he could do to get his best friend back. It was there that she knew she could no longer continue as she was.

"I don't know what you expect me to say ..." - Her chocolate eyes could no longer keep in touch with his. She didn't know how to describe exactly how it felt to be breaking the heart of someone she really loved, who she still loves.

“I don't expect you to say anything, not really. I just had to confess that, I couldn't go on with someone else stuck in my head in which I have no idea how much of my heart he already holds, while you think it's all yours... ”- She took courage and stared at him, seeing his eyes taken by the tears while a few already trickled down. The expression on his face was heartbreaking as he clearly tried to stay strong in front of her - “I'm so sorry. It hurts me to hurt you, Andrew. I love you, I swear… ” - But he didn't let her continue.

"But not enough." - He completed what he thought was her next words. She shook her head, rejecting the way he interpreted things, but her throat was practically closed, the tears are safe and stuck in her eyes for very little. Her silence was what confirmed it all for the psychoanalyst. He muttered that he would pack some of his things and then stop by to pick up the rest in another day.

When he passed in the living room again, she was gone. Fleeing of how much it affected her, she went to the only place she felt at home besides her own home and Phil's apartment: S.H.I.E.L.D. If someone asked her how she got there, she really wouldn't know, but now she was sitting at one of the several paperwork tables, staring at the papers in front of her, reading the same sentence over and over without actually seeing the letters in front of her, the tears clouding her vision in the already compromised dim light.

"I didn't know you knew the way to this room." - His voice startled her, and at the same instant her scared, wet eyes met his playful blue. In a second, even in the dim light, he saw the tears that kept falling down her beautiful face, and then Coulson's carefree face turned to one of pure distress - "Mel, what happened?"

She shook her head, tears quickly taking a large proportion, again closing her throat. In a few steps he was beside her, kneeling as he remained silent, waiting. Melinda hid her face, burying it in her hands, crying softly, regretting at the words she said, regretting that it came out that way, regretting going to S.H.I.E.L.D, regretting that he was still there. His presence made it difficult for her to breathe, the butterflies fluttered in her stomach as if she were a teenager, and her heart was beating faster because of him, even if her mind would repeat over and over the expression on her husband's face, or it would be ex-husband?

The crying lasted a few more minutes and Phil began to stroke her back with random movements that gradually calmed her from her silent cry. She no longer knew how to face her husband, now she was unable to face her best friend either. May knew very well that if she said she didn't wanted to talk about it, he would respect her completely. And yet she was trying to think of something to say, but all she could concentrate on was the feel of the touch of his fingertips making patterns on her skin that even beneath the fabric of her shirt could make her shiver. Only then does she realize how much she wanted to feel more of his warm skin on hers, how much she would like to take advantage of the situation and have his strong arms around her, and how close his proximity made her feel uncontrollable things. This close contact was definitely rare between them.

Melinda lifted her head and wiped her face from the dry paths the tears ran and took a deep breath searching right after for the blue oceans, searching in his iris for the strength she needed to smile and make him believe that all she needed to was cry.

"You don't want to talk about it," - He said, not in the form of a question, but stated with conviction with just one look. Sometimes it scared her how much he could read her, was she such a open book to him? Did he already knew how she felt? Worse, did he knew and still decided not to comment because he didn't feel the same? And suddenly, the butterflies of fear came back, as if she were lying to him and hiding deep secrets. Which she was.

"But I accept tea" - She murmurs, her throat scratching. May has to swallow hard and remind herself how to draw air into her lungs as she receives a bright smile from him, one of the smiles she knew was reserved for her alone and that melted every barrier she daily built for herself so she would let him out of her heart. All this to see them being destroyed with just a simple smile.

"Lucky for you that I have free time after doing all the paperwork either of us has to do" - She snorted as she got up to mask her desire to laugh at the lovely grimace he gave her. She kept quiet all the way to the kitchen, feeling the turmoil inside her quiet down, at that, she was sure she had made the right decision, even as her chest tightened and her throat closed as she remembered of Andrew.

Phil made two mugs of tea exactly as she liked it and she gave him a small smile as he handed her one of the mugs. The silence was comfortable, and he absently watched his own mug while Melinda watched him, and on a sudden impulse, she took his hand in hers, intertwining their fingers. The bald move flushed her face and she almost released his fingers and apologized, but he simply stroked her skin with his thumb and smiled, stealing her air again. May decided she would tell him, tell him how much he made her feel, how much all those sensations scared her, tell him about the butterflies and her fears, tell him about the goosebumps and how much he took her breath away, tell how much she couldn’t seem to stop thinking about him, how much his touch soothed her and how much his smiles melted her.

It just wouldn't be today.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading.


End file.
